Here are the 10 questions to ask BEFORE getting a divorce or separation (in no particular order)…
1. What stories do I want to be able to tell about my life someday?
When you’re in the midst of a struggle, the natural instinct is to want to escape and make the pain stop. In marriage, when you’re struggling, don’t make the mistake of making a permanent decision (divorce) to solve temporary struggles. Every struggle will become a story someday. The decision to divorce or stay married is a legacy-impacting decision with a multi-generational impact. There are certainly times when divorce is warranted, but it should be pursued only after every other possible option is exhausted. You get to decide whether your struggles becomes a story about why you walked away or why you fought to make it work.
#2 reveals one of the biggest misconceptions our society has developed about “love”…
2. Am I viewing love as a feeling or as a commitment?
Our society has redefined love to be a feeling you fall into and fall out of. This fickle definition of love has programmed our minds to think we need to leave a relationship the moment we don’t “feel” in love. In my book, “The Seven Laws of Love,” I explain all the reasons why love must be seen as more than just a feeling. At its core, love is a commitment grounded in action and selfless sacrifice. The strongest marriages have both spouses subscribing to this commitment-based definition of love.
#3 requires some honest self-assessment…
3. Have I done everything in my power to save this marriage?
Granted, you cannot control your spouse’s actions or their desires, but have you done everything in your power to bring healing and hope? If not, write down a list of things you could do and start doing them. Marriage is always worth fighting for! For more on this, check out my post on The Truth about Divorce.
#4 could change your perspective…
4. Am I trusting my Faith more than my Feelings?
Feelings are fickle and in many divorce scenarios, people are pursuing an illusion of happiness instead of trusting God’s plan to bring wholeness, health and peace. For more on this, please take a minute to read What to do when your marriage feels dead.
#5 could help bring clarity to your next decision…
5. Is Divorce the BEST possible choice?
I believe that in some scenarios where there is a pattern of broken trust through adultery or physical abuse, the only viable option is Divorce, but in most scenarios, divorce creates more problems than it solves. In most cases, couples with lasting marriages aren’t the ones who never had a reason to get divorced; they’re simple the ones who choose to work through their issues together.
#6 might be the single most practical question on this list…
6. Who are my biggest influences right now?
When you’re in the fragile state of marital breakdown, your support network is vital and they will have a tremendous amount of influence in your decisions. The best advice you’ll receive will come from people who love you AND love your spouse AND love God. If they’re missing any part of that equation, their advice won’t be grounded with wisdom.
#7 is vitally important if you have kids…
7. What am I teaching my children by getting a Divorce?
There is never a scenario where Divorce doesn’t impact the children involved. Their faith and their security are often shattered and the fallout can linger for decades. I know because I deal with those devastated from their Parents’ Divorce constantly. If you’re leaving your spouse for another person, in terms of Character, it’s not much different than taking your kids to a different family and trading them in for other children who you find to be more attractive or polite than your own kids.
#8 is a great and honest test of motive…
. Do I want my spouse to be happy or do I want him/her to suffer?
When you’re considering divorce, you’re probably feeling a mixture of emotions towards your spouse. He/she has probably disappointed you or maybe even hurt you in some way, so you might be tempted to “get even.” If you find yourself tempted to use divorce as a means of revenge or to inflict emotional pain on your spouse, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your motives and your state of mind. No matter what you’ve been through, hurting your spouse won’t make you feel better.
#9 is a good test of motives…
9. Am I dreaming about a new life with someone else?
If you answer “Yes,” then your motivation for the divorce may be unhealthy. If you see Divorce as an opportunity to play the field or to find someone who will appreciate you and do all the things your spouse isn’t doing, then you need to stay and fix your own marriage. If you Grass looks Greener on the other side, you don’t need to move; you need to stay home and water your own grass!
It really all comes down to question #10…
10. Am I willing to keep fighting for this marriage?
Your marriage might feel hopeless right now, but there is always hope as long as you’re willing to keep fighting to save it.
If you do find yourself in the midst of a heartbreaking divorce, please don’t lose hope. Know that God loves you, He is with you and He has extraordinary plans for your life
